Flower Crowns, Galaxies, and Ultraviolet Loose Change
by couldn't-think-of-a-funny-name
Summary: Through the years. Farkle-centric.


**You're six years old, and you're reading alone on the playground.**

You're six years old and you're reading alone on the playground because it's the first day of first grade and you spent the first five minutes of recess trying to build up enough courage to go talk to the group of boys your age hanging around the monkey bars, and when you finally did it took them all of two minutes to call you a freak, shove you in the mud, and crack your glasses. You're six years old and reading alone on the playground because you've never had a friend before and it took 7 minutes to get you to give up on that dream all together.

You're kinda miserable right now, but you don't want to admit to that, because your daddy told you to be _op-tu-mystic_. Back in Philadelphia you didn't go to kindergarten because you were there for a day and the teacher wanted to send you to a 4th grade class. That made your daddy happy but your mommy nervous and mommy always wins so you were pulled out and the nannies handled teaching you. But then you had to move to New York which so far you don't like that much, and the nice nannies didn't get to come with you and daddy made a power point presentation about why you should be in an actual school so mommy gave in, but on the condition that she pick the place. When you left for school this morning she hugged you and told you to "dumb it down".

So you don't know how you're supposed to be op-tu-mystic because you already got in trouble in class for correcting the teachers math lesson and with that on top of the cracked glasses and muddy new clothes, you're pretty sure your mommy is gonna spank you. Daddy said it'd be easy to make friends but the boys on the monkey bars think you're a freak. And now to top it off, you can barely focus on your book about black holes because the girl sitting alone in the garden is singing too loudly. Maybe you should've just stayed home schooled.

You realize you've reread the same sentence about dark matter over 10 times now without it sinking in, and you're so miserable and frustrated that you can feel tears burning in your eyes, but you're _not going to cry_ , no, because you're a _big boy_. So you bite down on your lip and power through, trying to read the line and hoping eleventh tries the charm, when suddenly a shadow is blocking your reading light and someone is loudly shouting "HI!" at the top of their lungs.

You panic for a second because you're scared it's the boys from earlier, but it quickly registers that the voice is too high so you look up. It's the girl who had been annoying you with her singing- she's in a yellow dress and a pair of glasses that look too big for her face, and her thick dark brown curls are rapidly escaping the tight pigtail braids they were pulled into. She's got a sloppily made daisy chain on her head- you guess the flowers came from the garden area she was previously sitting in, as well as the mud staining her knees. She's got her hands behind her back and is looking at you expectantly.

You don't say a word, just blink up at her in confusion.

The girl sighs, and says " _Hi,"_ a lot more forcibly than she did the first time, then tacks on " _I'm Riley."_ Despite the fact she can't be any older than you, she manages to capture the tone of an exasperated yet patient adult perfectly, as if this is the 5th time she's tried explaining a simple concept to you. She's still waiting for a response, so you say "Hi?" only it comes out sounding like a question when you didn't mean it too.

Riley apparently takes that as an invitation because she throws herself onto the ground across from you, hands still behind her back, and gives you a bright smile. She's missing four baby teeth from what you can see, but you don't think you've ever seen a smile so huge or pretty or genuine. It makes you relax a little. That is, until, you're asked "Do _you_ have a name?" and you're stressed all over again. None of your classmates know what your name is yet because the teacher refused to say it during role call- she was convinced it was a 'dumb nickname', which she didn't allow in her class, and wouldn't listen to your insistence that it was your legal name. As the day wore on, you decided her stubbornness was actually a blessing. Farkle was such a stupid name, at least this gave you one less thing to be made fun of for. You don't want to say your name out loud now. You've known this Riley girl for all of a minute but you don't want to scare her away with your inherent weirdness, you want her to keep smiling at you.

So, like the genius you are, you say, "Um…no."

She frowns in confusion- great, you already messed up! "How can you not have a name?"

You can feel yourself starting to rock a little, nervous habits are the worst, but you mumble "It's a weird name, I don't want to tell you. You'll just laugh."

She leans in and whispers to you all serious as if she's letting you in on a secret conspiracy, "My mommy's name is _Topanga_ , I'm not allowed to judge!"

And okay, you smile at that and it makes you feel a little better, but you still shake your head. You don't want your name getting out amongst your classmates. Riley apparently gives up, but pulls her huge smile back on and proclaims, "Well, Sir No-Name, I made you a _flower crown_!" and she pulls her hands out from behind her back, revealing a messy chain of daisies and dandelions that matches hers, and holds it out to you as if it's a reverent object that's going to change your life.

"…Why?"

She seems a little taken aback by your confusion, but her excitement doesn't falter. "Well, you looked really sad sitting alone! And _no one_ can be sad while wearing a flower crown. That's like, _the basic law of flower crowns!"_ She's slipping it on your head and bouncing up and down by now, and you don't want to kill her good mood, but you can't help but point out "Flower crowns don't have laws?"

Riley only rolls her eyes however, and insists "Of course they do, my Uncle Eric _told_ me so! And he wants to be a poly-a-titan, so he'd _never_ lie!"

"Do you mean politician?"

"Yes! Poly-a-titan! He likes helping people."

"Okay, but…flowers don't have rules."

"They do, Sir No-Name, I _swear_! And you still aren't smiling! _You are breaking the law_!" she seems genuinely horrified at that, that you have the nerve to break the laws of flower crowns, and that's what brings a big, real smile to your face. There's just something about this Riley girl…You don't know the word for it, but her big smiles make you want to smile. You think you might be blushing. She has a lisp and somehow it isn't annoying to hear. Her big brown eyes look like they could hold all the galaxies from your books in them. You suddenly realize you stopped nervous-rocking and now you're shaking slightly from laughter.

Riley seems satisfied with that, so she leans in to see what you're reading and gasps, "I love space! My grandpa Feeny got me a book about the planets for my 4th birthday, I've read it 20 _billion_ times! What are black holes?" and that really catches you off guard because you never met anyone else who likes space as much as you before. No one has ever cared that much about your interests…but Riley's eyes are bright and she's looking at you expectantly, because she really, actually, truly wants you to tell her all about black holes. This whole event feels almost like a dream to you, it's been happening so fast, so unexpected. This Riley girl is so unexpected.

So, you sit up a little straighter in a weak attempt to seem cool, and start explaining black holes and dark matter and any other cool space stuff you can think of the best you can. Riley's eyes are wide and bright the whole time and you think you could stay in this moment forever.

Too bad the recess bell had to end it.

 **You start to realize that good things never last.**

You're still six years old and you've been in school for a month and you start to realize that good things never last. Your parents were getting along for a while after the move, but now they're yelling again. Mommy seemed more relaxed and happier after the move, but now she's always angry again and you're getting in trouble for the smallest possible things. Daddy had been driving you to school but now he sends the driver because he's always at work. Riley made you flower crowns and talked about space with you every day for a whole week, but now she's always attached at the hip with a short blonde girl. She smiles at you every now and then, but that doesn't change the fact you're back to reading alone on the playground.

You're six years old and you start to realize that good things never last.

That is until you get an invitation to a Halloween party.

Riley passed them out during an indoor recess one rainy day, giggling non-stop as she handed everyone a personalized card she made. Her blonde pigtailed friend following after her like a hawk. It might be your imagination, but you could've sworn Riley smiles bigger and brighter at you than anyone else in the room when she hands you the card before moving off to give the person behind you theirs. Your card is addressed to 'Sir No-Name', as your teacher still refuses to address you in class so everyone's still in the dark about the unfortunate Farkle thing.

The picture Riley drew on your card was an alien wearing a flower crown. You feel your heart skip a beat and worry that you might be having one of those pal-pee-tation things you read about on Web MD.

Your parents agree to let you go to the party right away, without even asking for details or asking for information about Riley's family. You guess they're just really happy that you're apparently making friends, so you don't have the heart to tell them that the entire class was invited.

So you decide to dress up as Dracula because you like irony and vampires are the scariest things in the world and it's Halloween. You dress up as Dracula and go to the party at Riley's but no one even looks at you for the most part so you just sit down near the kitchen table and start reading a book you find laying around the apartment. Riley's dad checks on you about every ten minutes or so. You think he's trying to come across as casual, but in actuality he seems a little worried that no one is paying attention to you. Riley's dad seems really nice, if a little stressed and frazzled. He eventually figures out you're enjoying just reading and runs off to stop some kids from breaking open jack-o-lantern decorations. You sit on the floor by the kitchen table reading, dressed as Dracula, and you're mostly content.

Until you look up and see Riley drowning.

And okay, _sure,_ she's not really actually properly drowning, but she definitely needs help and her blonde pigtail-wearing friend isn't doing anything other than rolling her eyes. Riley's dad is still distracted by the jack-o-lantern destruction, and Riley's still splashing around trying to get an apple. It's almost comical at first but she's actually going to be in trouble if she doesn't stop, and you're feeling this strange intense need to help her, so you run over and pull her out of the tub. Pigtails is rolling her eyes even more now but Riley's looking at you like you just hung the stars, almost the same look she gave you when you talked about space, and she's proclaiming that you saved her life and after she smiles your heart has another pal-pee-tation, maybe you should get your daddy to take you to the doctor.

So you're finally introduced to Pigtails- _Maya_ , who has eyes that look like ice and is as advanced in sarcasm as you are in academics and from the moment you first hear her voice you're captivated by her. You just read that word in the book you were reading and it fits perfectly. Riley seems to forget that you haven't talked in over a month, and is acting like it's the first week of school again. You don't question it because she's been smiling at you again for 5 minutes straight and you don't want to lose that again. She introduces you to Maya as Sir No-Name and Maya more or less orders you to tell them your name because apparently she was intending to hold you to your offer of taking advantage of your brain, and she needed to know more about you than 'he likes space!' to trust you. And you don't want to say it, you don't, but now both girls are giving you puppy eyes and your heart is jumping again- you're officially worried about that- and you give in and tell them about the atrocity that is _Farkle Minkus_. And Maya doubles over giggling, which hurts, but she has a really cute laugh so you think you might be able to get over it. Riley however is just smiling and says 'It's not weird, it's unique!' and you don't know it now, but that moment basically sealed the dynamic between you and the girls for the rest of your friendship. All you do know is that Riley makes you smile and Maya makes you curious and Riley wants you three to be friends forever so you promise you'll love them with all your heart, both the same, for the rest of your life, because that's what you're supposed to say, right? There's just something about this moment that makes you believe it's important. The girls are important.

When you get home after the party you tell your daddy about the pal-pee-tations so he can take you to the doctor. He asks you to tell him what was going on every time they happened, and after you do he just laughs, ruffles your hair and tells you that you have a different problem all together. You end up never seeing the doctor but now whenever you lay on your back and stare at the planetarium before you sleep, all you see is warm brown and icy blue eyes staring back at you from the stars.

 **You're staring through a telescope and you can hear Maya snoring.**

It's Spring Break and you're in 2nd grade, and Riley was gonna spend all break with her grandparents and Uncle Josh, but then Josh's boy scouts troop went away on a trip so Riley was allowed to invite you along with Maya. You've never met Uncle Josh but the girls seemed pretty upset he wasn't there. You try not to let that get to you.

Riley's grandpa was supposed to take you three camping tonight, but he threw his back out. Grandma Matthews offered to have a movie night to make up for it, which is what Maya wanted to do in the first place, but Riley was very adamant about setting up the telescope her Uncle Shawn got her for Christmas and star gazing, so now you're stuck in an ancient tree house and trying not to think about how much you hate heights. Grandma Matthews brought up the fluffiest blankets and pillows she can find and a plate of cookies, and checks on you kids every half hour or so. Maya climbed up the latter, said 'I couldn't care less about this!', and immediately curled up in her own nest and fell asleep. You had to smile at that- as tough as Maya acts, she still insists on only wearing things that are sparkly or pink and she always has pigtails, so seeing her curled up like a cat in a pile of blankets is just plain adorable. She looks a lot less intimidating when her face is relaxed and she's sucking her thumb. The only real problem is she snores louder than a train.

Riley keeps nudging into you- she believes that if you can find the perfect balance, the two of you can look through the telescope at the same time. Which you're pretty sure isn't the case, but she's holding your hand and leaning into you, and you don't know why but that feels really nice.

As Maya lets out a _really_ loud snort, Riley giggles and whispers at you, asking if you're having fun. You almost want to say no- because, really, you're just standing in a cold tree house that you're certain will collapse any minute, you can't look in the telescope properly so you can't see any stars, and your back and shoulder really hurts from Mommy's reminder to behave this weekend. You shouldn't be enjoying yourself at all.

But the more time you spend with the girls, the harder being sad is. Riley's smile alone makes you feel relaxed and content. So yeah, since she's bumping you and giggling, you're definitely having fun tonight.

It all goes very wrong very fast.

Suddenly, the neighbor's lights flash on and screaming begins- Not Mr. Feeny's (who looked oddly amused to meet you) house, but the people next door to the Matthews. The screaming is so loud and abrupt, you initially wonder if someone's hurt- but then you hear the words. Angry words. Mean words. Rude words. You're used to this kind of screaming, Daddy and Mommy do it all the time. You had been viewing this weekend trip as a vacation from all the fighting, but now you're starting to wonder if you're cursed- if yelling and fighting will just follow you everywhere you go. You sigh, but you've resigned yourself to another loud night already, so you try to just refocus on the stars.

That's when you hear a whimper and realize Riley let go of your hand.

You look over, and Riley has backed herself into the corner of the tree house. She had her knees up to her chest and her hands pressed over her ears and tears in her eyes and she's mumbling to herself and you _freeze_. Since when is Riley anything other than smiley?

The lady screams something _really mean_ at her husband and you hear a loud crash- that makes you jump, but Riley flinches and lets out a cry and looks like she's trying to fold into herself, and that manages to unfreeze your feet so now you're next to her but _you don't know what to do_. She's still crying and you don't know how to comfort people! Your hands are moving around but you're afraid to touch her, she looks like she could break apart. You're close enough now to her what she's mumbling…she's _singing_ , actually, she's covering her ears and squinting her eyes and repeating " _You are my sunshine, my only sunshine_ -" and you're in an ancient tree house and you're 7 years old and you think you finally understand what heartbreak feels like when you look at her.

Another crash that makes you both jump and Riley buries her head in her knees. She switches songs to 'Ring Around the Rosie' and suddenly you get an idea. You climb down the latter as fast as you can, actually you basically fall down to the ground, and run over to where the flowers are growing. You pick as many as you can and try to string them together as well as Riley can, but _wow_ it's hard, the stems keep breaking, the couple is quieting down a little but you can't get the picture of a crying Riley out of your head so in the end you only get a few of them chained together and just gather up the rest, rush back up the latter and dump the pile on Riley's head. She looks up at you in confusion for a minute, but when she sees your poor attempt at a flower crown and figures out what you were trying to do, she starts giggling slightly and drying her eyes on her sleeves. You feel like someone just pulled a boulder off you, seeing her calm down. You don't say a single word as you watch her weave the flowers into an actual flower crown, you don't say a single word as she slips it on her head with a small smile, and you don't say a single word as she picks up the left over flowers you picked in your hurry and starts trying to tie them in her loose curls. Finally, not looking you in the eyes, she says in a tiny voice 'Mr. Feeny won't like that you picked some of his flowers."

"You were _crying."_

"I," and she bites her lip and she looks at you and you _don't_ understand the look in her eyes, but at the same time, it feels like you _do_ understand. "I just really don't like yelling."

And you whisper "I don't, either." And Riley whispers "Promise to never fight with me, then?" and you do promise, because that makes sense. Your parents don't make sense and the pain in your back and shoulder doesn't make sense and the people next door who stopped yelling don't make sense and flower crowns having laws don't make sense. But _Riley Matthews made sense_ in a way nothing else ever did, and you know that if you ever fought with her like your parents or those neighbors fought…Well, you didn't want to become a person who fought like that.

Riley holds up her pinkie and you twist yours around it. She lightly kisses your intertwined fingers and you can feel your heart jump.

Maya lets out another ridiculously loud snore and the two of you burst into giggles.

 **Maya hates you, you're sure of it.**

Well, maybe not _hates_ you, but she's definitely never liked you like you like her. You're sure she never liked you very much at all- she always seemed more annoyed with you than Riley did, whether you were reading or talking about something you like or just hanging out. She never really initiated any conversations with you, but you told yourself none of that had to mean anything, you were still friends.

Except now you're 8 years old and Riley's been absent all week and Maya hates you, you're _sure_ of it.

Riley caught whooping cough somehow and neither of you are even allowed to see her. It's been 4 days of sitting in complete silence with Maya.

She hogs all the crayons in art class, when you're partnered up for a worksheet she just lets you do all the work. Recess is the worst. Maya sits next to but still won't say a word or respond if you ask her something, she just scribbles in her notebook quietly so you just read quietly and there's a wall of tension in between you and you don't know _why_. You loved Maya, you were sure of that. She was pretty and smart and funny and intense about everything. Her ignoring you made your chest ache, it reminded you of how your house always felt.

You always knew you weren't as close with Maya as you wanted to be. But you never thought she was only putting up with you for Riley.

You look over at her, she's next to you on the bench in the playground but she's put as much space as possible in between you two. She's biting her lip as she focuses on coloring in the lines, her pigtails bobbing as she nods her head to some song only she can hear. She's kicking her feet back and forth, and you can tell she wants to criss-cross her legs but the teacher already yelled at her twice today about how she has to sit 'lady like' when she's in a dress. She feels you staring, and she looks up at you and mumbles _"what?"_ and that's the first thing she's said to you in three days.

You don't respond, just go back to your book, and you can hear her sigh. Your eyes are burning, but you're _not_ gonna cry, you _can't_ cry, mommy told you crying isn't allowed. But the tension hurts, the silence hurts. The girls are who you go to to escape stuff like this. You're trying to reevaluate your whole friendship, see what the signs were along the way that alluded to Maya actually hating you.

You really miss Riley.

Suddenly, before you can even register what's happening, your book is being ripped from your hands and some's pulling you up by your shirt. You recognize the guy- he's a 5th grader, you think his name is Evan? He trips you in the hallways sometimes but that's the most you've interacted.

He's yelling at you, insulting you, and it hurts but you don't react that much because it's nothing you aren't used to hearing. Responding or crying makes it worse.

Apparently Evan didn't get that memo though, as he throws you to the ground, and okay, _ow_ , you can't help but cry out in pain then because your arm was still badly bruised from when you broke that vase last night and landing on it as hard as you just did isn't helping anything. But then Evan immediately follows up your cry by kicking you, so crying _does_ make it worse, so then why is he even mad at you in the first place? And where are the Playground Aids?

Evan's yelling something- oh, okay, he's mad because Daddy fired his mom?- and he's going in for another kick but suddenly _he's_ shoved out of the way and Maya's kicking him in the shin and yelling "Leave my friend alone!"

Evan says "get lost, blondie", which Maya does _not_ like apparently because before you can even blink she's climbed up on the bench so she's at the same height as the 10 year old, and _punches him right in the eye_. Evan falls and Maya jumps on the ground and lands a few kicks all while yelling at him for hurting you.

Honestly, you don't think you've ever seen a sight as beautiful as this tiny pigtailed girl beating up the older boy. It's weird, but her usual icy eyes have turned to blue fire, the sunlight is reflected on her dresses sequins making her sparkle and look other worldly, and her hair is flying everywhere. Her yelling in your defense and calling you her friend makes your heart swell, it reminds you of the ending of the Grinch.

Evan finally shoves her off and gets up, holding his nose and yelling "I'm gonna tell the principal!" and Maya yells back "You want the whole school to find out you got beat up by an 8 year old girl?" and Evan's eyes get wide at that and he runs off. You never hear a word from him again and Maya ends up never getting in trouble.

After he's gone, Maya pulls you back onto your feet and asks you if you're alright. You say yes and thank her for helping you. She shrugs and says it was no problem, and she looks kinda embarrassed and you guess that means she regrets it or something and now the two of you will go back to suffering in silence until Riley gets better, and that thought hurts so you ask her why she bothered helping you.

Maya just looks at you in confusion and says "What else are friends for?" and you don't have an answer to that, so you just pick your book up off the ground and sit back down on the bench, and so does Maya, only now she's not putting space between you. She sits right next to you, close enough that her arm keeps brushing yours while she colors. It's almost as if the past four days haven't happened at all, no tension whatsoever, and whatever it was Maya apparently doesn't want to talk about. You don't like that. You wanna talk about it, because you spent 3 years thinking you're friends, and then 4 days thinking you're not, so where does that leave you now? You want to talk about it. But the air around you and Maya already feels lighter, there's no awkward thickness in it, almost like the world around you exhaled its breath, and Maya glances up from her coloring book and smiles at you every now and then, and you don't want this to change. You want to talk about it, but what if that upsets her and it goes wrong again? You want to talk to her, ask her what this is all about, ask if you really are friends…but you don't. You decide potentially going back to thinking she hates you isn't worth it. You want to ask but you shove it down, and instead ask her why she's making the trees blue.

It's weird, but even though you don't talk, you think maybe you and Maya reached an unspoken agreement or something of the sorts.

You two get a lot closer and that makes you happy.

Riley smiles bigger than ever when she comes back to school the next week and sees the two of you playing tag.

 **Riley's in the hospital.**

And sure, Mr. Matthews assured you she's going to be perfectly fine. And sure, you spent 3 whole days researching every little detail about tonsillectomies. And sure, you know it's a very routine procedure and only takes about 40 minutes, and Riley's pretty tough. Sure, you have no reason to actually worry.

But Riley's in the hospital, and you're freaking out.

The surgery was scheduled about a week ago- her parents wanted to make sure Winter break at school had already started so she wasn't missing anything. Maya wanted to be with her but her distant aunt had invited her mother and grandmother to her house in Tennessee in attempt to make amends or something, and she wouldn't be back until school started. Riley had promised her she'd be fine.

Riley had also promised you she'd be fine.

That didn't stop you from freaking out. The week leading up to the surgery, you had nightmares, which you didn't understand. You knew this was a normal surgery, you knew it would help Riley in the long run. But there was something about the whole thing that just made you feel sick- you couldn't get images of her in surgery out of your head. Riley being sliced open and part of her removed, the thought made you sick. But it's all you could see every time you closed your eyes.

Riley's in the hospital, and you're in the waiting room with her parents and you're still freaking out.

The Matthews told you it was a short surgery and Riley would be home in a few hours and you really didn't have to wait there, but you couldn't help it. It wouldn't feel right to not be there. You brought a book about time travel and worm holes and you're sitting in the uncomfortable hospital chair nervously swinging your legs back and forth. Your feet still couldn't reach the ground yet.

Riley's finally out from the surgery, her parents are going to go back for a few minutes and then they promise to let you in to see her, so you sit patiently and try to read some more to pass time.

You get a little antsy when it's six chapters later and they still haven't come to get you, but you tell yourself it's nothing, their daughter did just get out of surgery, obviously Mr. and Mrs. Matthews are more important than you in the grand scheme right now.

But then Mr. Matthews is out and he's fast walking towards you and his forehead is all creased up like he's worried. Just one look at him has your stomach churning like it was when you first found out about the surgery.

Mr. Matthews sees your face and puts his hands up and says in what you guess is supposed to be a comforting voice, "Okay, I need you to stay calm. Riley had some…complications."

And suddenly you feel really cold and a million and one horrible images of Riley being hurt or worse are flashing through your head and maybe Mr. Matthews is a mind reader because he's got his hands on your shoulders and going "She's fine, I promise, but they're gonna keep her overnight. She's still asleep, so you can't go in yet."

"Are you _sure_ she's fine?" Your voice sounds shaky, and everything around you sounds like you're in a tunnel. You're just starting to wonder if you're going to pass out when Mr. Matthews is shoving you back into your chair. Mind reader, you swear.

Mr. Matthews assures you a million and one times over that Riley's fine, they just ran into a little trouble with the medicine, but she's ten years old and healthy and they only want to keep her over night to make sure her breathing stays even. It doesn't calm you down though- you need to _see_ her. You feel hyper aware of everything now, and you're nervous, and hopefully you're imagining the sensation of ants crawling all over you. You're scared and miserable, and you know Riley's going to be miserable too, because she hates sleeping anywhere other than her home. And hospital rooms? They have no colors, or flowers, or stuffed animals to help her feel comfortable.

You mention that to Mr. Matthews and he smiles. "How about I take you down to the gift shop and buy some flowers for you to give her?"

You don't get that, though. "Why would I give them to her? It's your money, so it'd be your present."

He ruffles your hair and says "It's the thought that counts!" Mr. Matthews, you've noticed, is really into ruffling people's hair and recycling common anecdotes as if he came up with them himself. You like that about him, but saying _"it's the thought that counts"_ doesn't make sense to you- it was his thought and it's his money. But he's already up and heading to the store, so you follow after.

You just kinda hover around him as he looks through the generic gift shop flowers- you think he's gonna buy yellow ones, but you aren't really paying that much attention. Your head is still swimming with worries about Riley. You still can't get that horrific surgery image out of your head, and now you can't help but panic about her not waking up. Or what if her breathing is really messed up and they can never release her and you'll never see her again? You don't know what you'd do without Riley, really, you don't.

Mr. Matthews nudges you, so you have to pay attention now. "Why don't you go pick out a stuffed animal for her? She loves those."

And he's right, she does, you're the billionaire's kid and yet you're pretty sure Riley has more stuffed animals than anyone you've ever seen. She insists she loves them all equally and schedules when each one can be on her bed so 'none of them will feel neglected'. So you wander over to the toy section, but you don't see anything special, it's mostly just bears holding hearts saying 'Get Well Soon!'. Maybe you can find a rabbit one.

But then, you stop because there's a little stuffed hippo on the shelf in front of you, and it's kinda perfect. Purple, Riley's favorite color. A tutu, Riley and you are both in a ballet class and Riley talks about wanting to be a ballerina all the time. And a hippo, well, it's almost Christmas time and Riley's been singing that annoying song non-stop all month!

You grab two of the toys and run back to Mr. Matthews, and he laughs when he sees them but he's smiling so you're pretty sure he thinks it's perfect too. "Why two of them, though?"

"What if she loses one?"

"Well, I can't possibly argue with _that_ logic." Mr. Matthews was really big on smiling for a guy whose daughter is in the hospital. But he always smiles at you like that, like there's some funny joke that you don't understand just yet.

When you get back to the waiting room, Mrs. Matthews is there to tell you Riley woke up and you can go see her. It takes every ounce of willpower to not run to the hospital room.

Riley looks really tired and miserable, but she smiles a big, closed mouth smile and sits up when she sees you. She doesn't say anything. You guess her throat probably hurts.

You hand her the stuffed hippo (the backup tucked safely in your back pack) and her eyes tear up and she smiles while tilting her head and hugs it as if her life depends on it. Her parents tell you two they're going to go down to the cafeteria, and the moment they're gone Riley's scooting over on the bed and motioning for you to sit next to her. You feel like you're probably not allowed to sit in hospital beds, but one look at Riley's big eyes and you're climbing up. Riley immediately grabs hold of your arm and rests her head on your shoulder, and you can feel your face heating up.

The two of you sit there in silence for a few moments. Riley's breathing matches yours and that calms your fears about lasting complications for her surgery. Seeing her tired and in a hospital gown with a sore throat isn't exactly the best, but for the first time in a week you can blink without seeing the image of her cut-open body stuck behind your eye lids.

You pull out the book you were reading earlier, flip back to the first chapter and start reading out loud to Riley.

You can _feel_ her smile against your shoulder, and even though Riley's in the hospital, you're no longer freaking out. Everything is perfect, everything is normal.

Just you, Riley Matthews and the universe. That's the way it's always been and the way it always will be, you're sure of it.

 **It's getting to be too much at home.**

You're parents seem to argue every time they're both there. Angry, nasty fighting. Your mother always throws things- vases, books, whatever's around really. Your father is more into slamming doors. They both yell so loudly, and you guess they think its okay to do it when you're home, seeing as your room is the penthouse in the skyscraper. But when there's only so many people around, things tend to echo. They follow each other to different floors fighting. Sometimes the intercom accidentally gets hit.

It's too much.

Your father doesn't always realize you can hear them. He always apologizes when he does, he usually buys you another outlandishly expensive gift to make up for it. He doesn't know how bad it is, really.

Your mother doesn't care if you can hear them.

Your father doesn't know that when he's not home, she takes everything out on you.

You're too scared to tell him. Mom keeps finding more and more miniscule reasons to declare you're in trouble.

Dad's been taking a lot of business trips lately.

 _It's too much._

One night, its 8:30 and you should be asleep, seeing as it's a school night and 5th grade is a lot more work. But you're wide awake and all you can hear is the slamming and shouting.

How haven't they ran out of things to fight about yet? How have they not exhausted every possible argument?

They're fighting about you this time. Mom still says you're not allowed to cry, and by now you're not sure you know how to. But you want to. You really, really want to cry right now.

Another door slams. Your mom yells that she wishes she never got knocked up.

You can't take it anymore, without even thinking of what you're doing you pull on a sweatshirt, run into the hallway. You don't remember the elevator ride, you don't know how you got out of your house without setting off the security system or any staff members seeing you. Your eyes are burning and your head hurts and you're just _tired._

You made it three blocks without really knowing where you're going or what the plan is. Suddenly, you realize you're outside of Riley's apartment building.

Of course.

Riley always makes you feel better, she doesn't even know she's doing it half the time. But there's no way her parents are gonna buzz you up when it's almost nine at night. You know Maya usually takes the fire escape up, but your parents always told you that was dangerous and that you weren't allowed on them unless you were actually trying to escape a fire.

Then you think of the fighting, the comments, how awful everything feels all the time. You've got one parent hitting you and the other is too busy to notice. Your entire life feels like it's always on fire, and you're definitely trying to escape that.

Also, you're a model child and it gets you nowhere. It's not like a little disobedience could hurt you anymore.

You climb up the fire escape, and wow it's kinda scary but it makes you feel kinda cool, you can definitely see why Maya loves coming in through the window. You make it up to Riley's room and, magically, the window is open and she's still awake. She's brushing her hair before bed. You can see Hazel the Hippo right next to her pillow, and that makes you smile.

"Farkly? What are you doing here so late?"

You're not sure what to say, you didn't exactly plan on being here. You don't really want her to know about your life, but you don't want to be anywhere else right now. In the minute you've been here, you've already started to relax a little. You feel safe.

She can see you're upset, though. "Farkle? What's wrong?" And she's got her dainty little hand on your arm and you just don't know what to say, because it feels like there's so little that _isn't_ wrong.

Before you can say anything, however, the door opens and Mr. and Mrs. Matthews come in. To say they were surprised to see you was an understatement, but they seemed more concerned than mad, which you guess is good. You know your parents aren't concerned. They probably haven't even noticed your gone yet.

The Matthews want to know why you're there so late, is something wrong, do your parents know you're here, are you okay. You think this is where you should be crying, and your eyes burn but no tears come, but you can feel yourself starting to rock back and forth on your feet. You don't want to explain this whole thing, you really don't, so you just mumble out _"I don't want to hear them yelling anymore. I'm tired."_ and hope they'll let it drop.

The Matthews immediately give each other a Look- you've seen them do it a lot before, you think it's a patented Worried Parent Silent Communication look, but you've never seen it on your actual parents, so you can't really be sure. Mr. Matthews says "Okay, buddy, that's okay, you can sleep over" and he says it in his really quiet and slow voice that he does when he's trying to be comforting. Mrs. Matthews tells you she'll go find you some old clothes to change into for pajamas.

About ten minutes later you're in some sweatshirt and pajama pants Mr. Matthews had when he was a kid, and they're huge on you but comfortable, and you're laying in bed next to Riley, who hasn't said a word since you confessed to your parents fighting. You're on your back staring at the ceiling- it's weird, without the stars, but her apartment is warm and comfortable and quiet and you doubt you'd have any problem falling asleep. Riley's laying on her side and you can feel her staring at you.

You finally can't take it, so you turn over to stare back at her. She's biting her lip and whispers "Are you okay?"

You don't want to tell her how bad it is, you _can't._ So you whisper back "Yes."

"Would you tell me if you weren't?"

You don't answer.

" _Promise me_ , Farkle."

And you say "Okay" because you don't understand the look on her face and that worries you. But lying leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

Riley suddenly turns around and leans over, opening up a drawer of her nightstand and looking around in it. Just as you're about to ask her what she's doing, she pulls back up with a small smile, an artificial flower crown in her hand. You try hard not to laugh.

She slips it on your head and whispers "Have good dreams" while planting a butterfly kiss on your nose.

For the first time in a while, you actually _do_ have good dreams.

 **The girls are…different.**

Sure, you know you're all growing up and everything, but this seems a little drastic. You, Riley, and Maya have been friends for 6 years now, and you've loved and treasured every second of it. And sure, people change over time, and all three of you have definitely changed since first grade, but they definitely weren't as _abrupt_ as this.

Spring break this year, instead of heading to Philly with Riley and Maya, your parents insisted on going to the house in the Hamptons. You said bye to the girls before you left. Maya, her pigtails and pink dress blowing in the slight breeze. She had rolled her eyes when you went in to hug her and lightly punched your arm. She hadn't been saying much this year because her braces _always_ hurt her, but any and all affection was conveyed perfectly. And Riley, her messy curls loose as she bounced lightly, her denim skirt, Knicks tee-shirt, and glasses a stark contrast from Maya. She gave you a big hug and told you to have fun.

And then you were gone for a week and a half, since break wasn't that long. Your parents fighting kept you up late, so you woke up late and weren't able to walk to school with the girls. But you were excited to see them- life gets a little boring without your best friends there.

You walk into your classroom expecting everything to be normal, but then you have to stop short. You can hear the girls giggling and you wonder what your face looks like. You know your eyes are wide.

The girls are _different._

Maya's got her hair down and curled, no ponytail holder in sight. She's still got some sequins on her, but they're gold instead of pink. She's got ripped denim shorts and a band tee-shirt. The Rolling Stones, does she even listen to them? You thought she liked pop music! She smiles at you and says hi and you can see her braces are off.

Riley's got contacts, which is surprising, because she had always complained about them before. Her hair is straightened, and without the curls it's so long it's at her waist. She's in a flowy, floral patterned dress and heeled boots, so when she goes in for a hug she's even taller than you than she was when you left.

They look great, sure, and you can get why they'd wanna change, okay, and as the day wears on you see the changes are mostly external, great.

But the girls are different now, and you're not, and now you're afraid they're gonna outgrow you.

You've still got your glasses, and your bowl cut, your turtlenecks and patterned shirts. But you _liked_ how you looked…And you liked how the girls used to look. You thought they liked that too. Does this mean they're growing faster than you? Does this mean they'll get tired of you just like they did with their appearances? Can you be thrown away as easily as an old shirt?

It's bugging you a lot more than you want it too.

You decide not to mention it.

 **Lucas Friar.**

That was his name. The new boy from Texas who rode in on a white horse and swept Riley right off her feet. Maya too, when no one was watching. He was also one of your best friends.

It wasn't _fair._

You didn't want to sound whiny, or anything, but…You wanted to hate him so much.

Some nights you did.

And it's not for anything shallow, you never thought Riley or Maya would develop romantic feelings for you. It hurts, but you would never hold their feelings for someone else over anyone. All that matters is their happiness.

But Lucas is _hurting_ them. He's hurting them so much and _that's_ hurting _you._

Riley and Maya are the two most important people in your life. They're your best friends, they always have been and you don't want to imagine a future where they aren't. And you know they're trying so hard to not hurt each other with this _stupid_ triangle, but it's _not working_. All they're doing is refusing to talk about their feelings, and that helps no one. They're both hurt. You hurt for them. Lucas is hurt because of this, but every time he complains you just want to punch him in his stupid perfect face.

One day, you do.

It's _so_ complicated. Lucas is a great friend, he has been ever since he moved here. You're lucky to have him as a friend, you're lucky to have him to stick up for you, you're lucky he actually likes you. You love the girls more than anything, but hanging out with Lucas and Zay is a breath of fresh air- you're a teenage boy, after all, sometimes constantly being dragged on girls days can feel slightly emasculating. Sometimes you just need guy time.

And it was great at first, until the triangle started. Well, not started, really. You know it was always going on behind the scenes, now. But it kicked it up a notch, was brought into focus. And now it's all Lucas ever whines about, and it's all anyone ever talks about, and you're just _so angry all the time_.

You feel like everything is falling apart around you. And maybe that's a little dramatic, but you're 15 and hormonal so dramatic is allowed. Every time you think your parents can't possibly get worse, they do. Every time you think your mother couldn't possibly hurt you anymore, she does. Every time you think you're doing well in school, Smackle out does you. Every time you think you're a good boyfriend, Smackle flirts with someone else. Every time you think you're right about something, your wrong, and being wrong is _not in your job description_. You don't know what to do- you don't know who you are if you aren't a genius.

This would normally be the time you swallowed your pride and went to Riley and Maya for some self-assurance. But they were too _preoccupied_ by the triangle to notice.

You stopped sleeping over at Riley's to escape your parents, and she didn't mentioned it. You slept over her house roughly 3 times a week for 4 years, but she hasn't mentioned your sudden absence.

You stopped showing up at the library to tutor Maya in math and science, and you've been doing that for years too. She also doesn't mention it. You wonder if she stopped showing up too.

They seem so distant and distracted and tired all the time. Every time you see a frown from Riley or a longing look from Maya, your heart breaks. Maya looks so lost and Riley looks so drained and they've always helped you before and now you don't know how to help them. No one seems to understand just _how_ serious this bullshit situation is.

Especially Lucas.

Sure, he knows it's bad. Sure, he's confused. Sure, he doesn't really want to hurt the girls. But he is, and he doesn't see how deep it's running, and he doesn't understand the fact that he's stringing them along without making a decision says enough about him.

He won't stop complaining to you and Zay about it.

And Zay's right there, doing his job. Cracking jokes but ultimately there for support. But you…You can't do a job to help Lucas through this. The girls are more important. Lucas has always taken your feelings for Riley and Maya for granted- actually, no, you're pretty positive he takes your entire friendship with Riley and Maya for granted. Lucas seems to think that you were just some friendless nerd floating around until he got there, that the girls only vaguely tolerated you before her got there, that his presence solidified the group and saved everyone's life.

Bullshit. He didn't solidify the group. He's been nothing but the catalyst for destroying it, slowly, piece by piece.

And one day, after _so long_ of this bullshit, he's complaining to you and Zay in Topanga's. He's already 'chosen' Riley, they're dating now, and yet he's _still_ complaining to you about his feelings for Maya. You hate that he's leading Riley on. You hate that you haven't told her about it.

And you're at the end of your rope, your last straw was burned months ago. You haven't slept in 2 days because of your parents, and after your father left this morning your mom stormed in yelling about your grades so now you're sore and throbbing all over. You just had another date during which your girlfriend analyzed why Lucas' face was so pleasing. Maya cried to you over the phone earlier. You got an F on your last history test. And now here's Lucas, who's only problems, ever, have been _'what blue shirt to wear today?'_ and " _Oh, darn, so many amazing girls like me!_ ', and he's bitching to _you_ about everything wrong in his life, and you know you're friends but he's never once asked you about your life or problems, and you tell him to _shut up already_ and he just won't, he _won't shut up_ and keeps talking and complaining and it feels like he doesn't even realize Riley and Maya are _people_. And you finally crack and tell him that he's being an ass, he doesn't have any real problems to complain about, and that's when he gets mad. That's when he says _you_ should shut up, because you're rich so you aren't allowed to have problems. That you wouldn't know a real struggle or problem if it hit you in the face, and you have nothing to complain about, and "If this is about Maya and Riley, it's not like they even liked you in the first place!"

 _Lucas Friar._

You punch him right in his stupid, perfect face.

It feels _so satisfying_. But then you have a split second of worrying you're like your mother.

Then he punches you back and you don't have time to worry, you just let loose on him.

You can hear Zay somewhere in the background- you aren't sure if he's cheering the fight on or trying to stop it. You don't know about the other patrons of the bakery, you don't care, you just can't lose this fight. Sure, Lucas knows more about fighting than you, but you are currently filled with a pure, unadulterated _rage_ for everything in your life and Friar all but volunteered himself as a punching bag. You hit everything you can reach and use all your strength.

You don't know how long it lasts, but suddenly someone has pinned your arms and is yanking you back- you can see Mr. Matthews pulling Lucas back, so you're left to assume it's his friend Mr. Hunter, you heard he was in town today. Mr. Matthews is yelling and trying to figure out what happened but you're breathing too hard and the blood rushing in your ears is too loud, you can't really hear them. Lucas is talking, probably feeding him some bullshit story about how you attacked him unprovoked. Whatever he's saying, Hambone doesn't look all too convinced.

Suddenly, just as you're getting your breathing under control, you hear a horrified twin gasp of "FARKLE!" and you know the girls have arrived on scene. You don't turn to look at them, but your chest is constricting. After all of this, these past few months, what if Lucas is right? The girls don't care about you and they're just going to be mad you messed up Lucas' face. Lucas is _smirking_ at you, that's the outcome he's looking forward to.

But then the girls are rushing over, and they're grabbing your arms and looking you up and down for all your injuries and they're freaking out, _are you okay, what happened, oh that's gotta hurt, sweetie lets head up to Riley's apartment and get you all cleaned up, Honey what were you thinking, can you tell me where it hurts, Farkly please be okay?_

All the negative emotions rush out of you at once- you can feel yourself relaxing now that they've got you. Mr. Matthews is telling the girls what happened. Maya looks shocked and she's trying to drag you out of the bakery, and Riley looks _livid._ You've never seen that look on her face before. She asks everyone to give her a few moments alone with Lucas, and then she'll meet you in the apartment. That stings, a little, but you don't say anything and let Maya lead you out.

You're sitting on the kitchen bench a few minutes later, Maya mostly fussing around you while Hambone is actually trying to help you get cleaned up. You feel pretty out of it, you don't really know what they're saying.

Everything snaps back into focus 10 minutes later when Riley comes back, though. It was like she was carrying your clarity with her. You're suddenly really embarrassed and ashamed.

You start to say as much, _"I can't believe I did that."_

But Riley's not mad at you, you realized. Neither is Hambone or Maya…They're mad at _Lucas._ Riley was gone for 10 minutes because she had been screaming at him. Apparently while you were still dazed out, Zay gave a more accurate explanation of the fight than Lucas gave- he made it clear you were already in a bad mood and Lucas egged you on.

God Bless Zay Babineaux, who later shoots you a text saying "You broke Lucas's jaw, nose, and gave him two black eyes, and then Lil' Miss Sugar basically ripped his balls off. I think you won."

You get cleaned up and spend the rest of the night at the Matthews apartment. Riley makes you were a flower crown all night. Maya willingly sits through a Star Trek: Next Gen marathon. The girls cuddle up on either side of you and you manage to ignore that it hurts when they unknowingly press against a bruise that wasn't from the fight.

And sure, you have to deal with the outcome of this eventually. You need to talk things out with Lucas, you need to tell the girls why you got so upset and what Lucas said to bait you. You're still going to have to watch the girls get hurt. You can see Mr. Matthews waiting to psycho-analyze you, to find out everything that's wrong, so he can help you. You wonder if you'll tell him about your parents. You know you probably won't.

But that's not something you need to worry about in this one, specific moment. Right now, you're in comfy pajamas and you're eating pizza and cuddling with Riley and Maya on the couch and having a sci-fi marathon. Everything has been so complicated for months, and this is a moment of normalcy. A moment of the old days, before drama overtook everyone's young lives. This is a moment of calm.

The eye of the storm, probably.

That should bug you, but you don't want to ruin this moment.

 **You start to worry that maybe you aren't in love with your girlfriend.**

Which doesn't make sense, because Isadora makes you so happy. Even if it hurts to watch her flirt with others and dream of triangles, even if you hate feeling second best in school with her. Smackle has a cute smile, and she's pretty, and you can talk about formulas and scientific discoveries and sometimes gossip about classmates. You love that she's becoming more affectionate with you, but you two very rarely hang out alone. You've tried it, a handful of times, but they all ended in awkward silences and Smackle hypothesized that maybe you two just aren't the type of people who like being alone, you need a big group to thrive.

Except you know _you_ don't need a big group to thrive.

It's a Friday night and the Matthews apartment is dark and empty except for you and Riley, who's cuddled up next to you. You're having an Ancient Aliens marathon and eating toasted peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and in between laughing at the show, you do everything from debate the theories being presented to you, to try and predict which weird commercials you'll get, to talking about little things going on in life. Riley's idea of cuddling seems to be getting as close to you as she can without finding a way to merge you into one body- legs swung over your lap, sides pressed tight, arms wrapped around your waist and head on your shoulder. She always does this, and it feels so normal and comfortable. You wonder how it would feel if Smackle ever got _this_ close to you. Something in your stomach squirms.

You went out with Smackle in the first place because Riley and Maya wanted you too, and she was a girl with a pulse who was interested in you. And you really care about her, you do. But what if it's not love? You don't feel as close to her as you do your other friends, despite how alike you are.

Out of the blue, as if she read your mind, Riley asks, "Do you think we're, like, cheating on Lucas and Smackle right now?"

You swear you stop breathing for a second. "What?"

Riley pulls away slightly so she can look at you. "It's just…Lucas has all these things he thinks we should be doing exclusively since we're dating, like acting more physically like a couple and only having important conversations with each other. But all the conversations he wants to have are about _him_ , and I'm more comfortable practically straddling you, my best friend, than I am when it comes to holding hands with my boyfriend. And I know you don't spend that much alone time with Smackle. Do you think this counts as cheating? Are we bad people, Farkle?"

You can't really read her emotions right now. She seems really upset but calm at the same time. You aren't sure what to say, because, well, she does kinda have a point. "Do you like me the way you like Lucas, Riley?"

She's staring you in the eye and slowly says, "No, no I don't. Do you like me the same way you like Smackle?"

You don't need to think about that one. _"Definitely not."_

You and Riley just stare at each other for a moment before you say " _You_ aren't cheating," at the same time she starts to say "Look at me, having another important conversation without Lucas."

The show comes back on, and Riley just sighs and puts her head back on your shoulder. You're glad she can't see your face right now.

You aren't in love with your girlfriend.

 **You almost lost her, and the whole world stopped turning.**

Smackle had been talking all day about the future and made it clear she sees the two of you still together. She might love you, and she's planning ahead, and you thought maybe that's not so bad and that maybe you could let yourself love her.

Then Riley was almost ripped away from you.

And sure, she would have been fine. Riley could thrive in any environment, you know that. You know she'd try her damnedest to keep in touch with you. You know you wouldn't have lost her entirely.

But _you need her_.

You need to hear her giggling every day. You need to see the way her hair moves in the breeze like it's an art form. You need to see her eyes get big and excited every time she sees a bunny. You need to feel her put her hand on your shoulder. You need to catch her whenever she trips. You need to see the look of triumph on her face every time she gets another A than you. You need to see her biting her lip when she's reading. You need to feel her cuddled up next to you as she's yelling at movie characters for making bad choices. You need to see her get passionately angry about sports. You need to hear her purposefully sing off key just to get laughs. You need to see her smirk at you whenever she steals your clothes. You need to see the way she all but melts whenever you do something she deems 'sweet'. You need to sit next to her and receive bad snapchat candids of yourself. You need to see her change the world. You need her to believe in you. You need to fight with her about dancing in the rain. You need her to teach you how to have hope. _You need a God damn purple cat._

You feel like you're on auto pilot. You need Riley Matthews. You adore Riley Matthews. _You are in love with Riley Matthews_.

The thought of not seeing her every day, of not being near her, puts a physical ache in your chest. None of the pain and heartbreak you feel from other aspects of your life could ever compare to this. Just _thinking_ of her being so far away from you makes you feel empty, hollow, like you'll never feel anything real again. You were never exaggerating when you said Riley was like the sun, that she was warm and brightened up your whole day. If anything, thinking back on it now, you were probably under-exaggerating. Riley has had such a profound effect on you all these years, and you were so scared about what would happen in her absence.

When you first heard the news, you didn't react as much as you should have. You were in shock. This news was literally rocking your world off kilter.

You went home and for the first time in your conscious life, you cried.

It wasn't your mother's abuse, or fighting, or bullies, or death, or breakups, or any of the things you expected to get to you.

All it took was the news that Riley Erica Matthews might be leaving for you to break.

The next day, everything seemed foggy. You walked to school and it felt like time was frozen, like everything was at a standstill and you were the only one moving. You wanted to stop moving. If you were frozen, then Riley would be too.

You remembered sitting in a garden on a playground, talking about space and wanting the moment to never end.

Mr. Matthews tries to teach about Belgium 1831. You don't pay attention as much as you should. You can't stop staring at Riley.

You're in love with Riley Matthews.

Not a childhood crush. You always loved her and Maya but yelling about marrying them was more of a joke than anything. You didn't understand feeling back then. You didn't understand feelings when you started dating Isadora. Right up until yesterday, until you heard the news, you still understood nothing about feelings or matters of the heart. It all snapped into place, though. It was big and obvious and clear and in your face.

Why did you have to figure it out _now_?

Smackle was amazing, but to you, next to Riley, there was no contest. You don't know how you ever tricked yourself into thinking you could love someone other than the girl who had light running through her veins.

You remember one time she talked you into watching some cheesy movie with her, kids in the 40's falling in love or something. The boy's grandfather told him to find someone who was _Iridescent,_ and that's how he knew he was in love with the girl.

Iridescent didn't even hold a candle to Riley.

And then, by some miracle brought on by a force you were slowly starting to believe in, _she stayed._

She's not leaving you after all, and you feel like your entire body lets out a breath you've been holding.

She's not leaving

You're still in love with Riley Matthews.

 _She's staying._

Now what?

 **You've been invited to a wedding.**

Riley's uncle Eric is getting married to Maya's new-uncle Jack, which you found a little funny but Mr. Matthews assured you it was long overdue.

"It took them a very long time to figure out and confront their feelings," he told you. "They're so lucky life gave them a second chance. That doesn't happen for everyone."

You tried not to think about that.

When you mentioned to Riley you were surprised Eric thought to invite you, she rolled her eyes. "He really likes you, that's why he keeps calling you 'Robot'. It means he considers you as part of the family." She smiled, the smile you want to see every day for the rest of your life. "Which, I mean, you kinda are. You hang around enough!"

You felt a little weird about that. "You consider me part of your family? Like Maya?"

But Riley just rolled her eyes and said "Hey, you can be my date!"

"Wouldn't Lucas be your date? You can take a plus one, right?"

"I think…Lucas and I might have broken up? I'm not sure." She seemed embarrassed to tell you that. You asked her how she could possibly be _unsure_ about something like that.

"It was when…You know, when we thought I was leaving. It was really ambiguous and we haven't talked about it yet." It had been almost 2 months since that. Riley looked you in the eyes, and she looked sad but determined. "I'm not gonna….I'm _done_ chasing after him to get him to make decisions. I'm not gonna twist his arm. _He_ needs to come to _me_ to talk about it." And you hug her because she looks like she needs one and you're proud of her for saying that. You know it took a lot for her to come to that decision.

And that was the end of that conversation, and that's how you ended up being Riley's date to her Uncles' wedding. Maya spent the whole night goofing off with Josh, and Riley takes pictures of them and tells you they did the same thing when they were younger and at her Aunt Morgan's wedding. You know their 'Long Game' agreement is going to be tricky and hard, but watching them barefoot slow dancing to a fast paced song, and seeing how they smiled at each other, you think they have a pretty good chance at making it.

Riley looks beautiful tonight.

All your thoughts keep running back to that. "Wow, what a sweet ceremony! _Riley looks so beautiful tonight._ Oh my God, great cake! _Riley looks so beautiful tonight_. What a cute first dance! _Riley looks so beautiful tonight."_

And it's not like she doesn't look beautiful every other day of the week, maybe the tea lights and the wedding atmosphere is getting to you. Her hair is straightened and pulled out of her face with some braids. She's in a dark green dress, and the lighting in the outdoor reception area make her face glow and her eyes shine in ways they never have before. She looks so happy talking to people, wishing her Uncles well…Not normal Riley, over the top happy. But quiet happy. You know her well enough to know that there are thousands of thoughts running through her head right now, but you're not sure you should ask her just what she's thinking.

Suddenly, she's tugging you onto the dance floor. The singer (Mr. Jack had insisted on a live band) is starting to do a rendition of a song you didn't recognize. It didn't seem like a slow song or a fast song, you wondered why it was playing at a wedding.

Riley's got her arms around your neck and instead of showing off your waltzing or tango skills, the two of you are just slowly turning in circles. Apparently your face gives something away because she said "It's 'You Found Me' by the Fray.' And then she put her head on your chest and you could hear her quietly singing along.

It feels like there's a bubble around you. You and Riley in your own little universe.

You stay wrapped up in each other and slowly turning on your on axis for the rest of the night.

 **You climb in the Bay Window, but the room is empty.**

You're half-considering finding Riley and going on an hour plus rant about why leaving the window wide open when she's not there is, you know, dangerous, when you hear a sniffle coming from the direction of Riley's closet. Uh oh.

You walk over and open the door and she's there, back to the wall and knees to her chest, and she has a stack of paper. She takes one, rips it to shreds, and goes in for another. Very methodic about it, and there's already a small pile of shreds from what you can see. She has tears in her eyes but she's not letting them fall.

You climb in and sit next to her, shutting the door behind you.

You can't really see her in the dark now that the door is closed, but you can hear the paper being ripped angrily and an occasional sniffle.

Finally, after a few minutes, you get a quiet "I'm _not_ an idiot."

You don't know what you were expecting to hear, but it wasn't _that._ "I never thought you were."

"You're the only one, then."

"Riley-"

"Farkle, save it, okay? I know people think I'm stupid because I act happy all the time. And I only act happy _all the damn time_ because that's what people _want_ me to do! No one's ever wanted me any other way, but now people are starting to get sick of me. And no matter what I do, people think I'm an idiot. I can never win, because no one actually likes _me_."

She was still ripping paper during her little outburst and you still can't see her face but her voice gets more and more emotional as she goes. You can feel your heart cracking. " _Riley_ -"

"I'm not stupid. I've always known Lucas likes Maya more than me." A particularly aggressive tear. " _Everyone_ likes Maya more than me." A quieter tear, and then she whispers so quietly you almost miss it, " _I_ like Maya more than I like me."

You don't really think you're breathing. How can you possibly fix this one? "Why do you think that?"

She snorts and starts up with the paper again. "Are you kidding me? Maya's great at everything, she's smart and talented and beautiful and she's everybody's dream girl. I'm average- hell, below average sometimes. I can't do anything right, my own mother likes her more than me. Just like everyone else."

"Your mom loves you, I promise."

"Sure, fine, she loves me. That doesn't change the fact that she looks at me and only sees the physical manifestation of Topanga Matthews' greatest mistake! And I have the nerve to not even have a single redeeming quality." You've never heard Riley sound so bitter before, it shocks you _hard_. That she's apparently had these thought building up for a while without you, or anyone, noticing.

"You aren't a mistake, Riley. You-"

"Not everyone can be born to billionaires, Farkle! My parents were still in college, my mom was just about to start law school. Dad had 3 jobs and mom had 3 on top of her unpaid internship, and that was just to try to make the rent _with Shawn and Eric also chipping in_. Getting pregnant with me almost ruined their lives!"

"Ri-"

"My mom _told_ me that, Farkle, so don't try and argue."

You almost stopped breathing, you think. "What? Why would she tell you something like that?"

"It was a couple years ago, she was talking about how hard it was when they first moved here, and obviously her pregnancy was ninety percent of the problem." She stopped ripping paper and sighed. You could still hear the tears in her voice. "I know she loves me, I do, but she's a perfectionist and she didn't plan me. She fucked up one time and almost had to throw her future away. That's what she sees when she looks at me, a reminder of her not being perfect, a bunch of potential wasted potential. She planned Auggie, she emotionally adopted Maya on her own terms. But I'm the slip up. And I'm not enough like her to make it okay." She takes a shaky breath. "She loves me, but she likes Maya more. Maya is talented and smart and beautiful, the daughter she hoped I would be to make up for the inconvenience. And she picked her. She wanted her. Just like everyone else."

She goes back to ripping paper.

There's so much you should be saying to her, but you can't find the word. "I…don't agree. I think you're the most amazing person I know. If your mother or Lucas or whoever can't see that, than it's their loss."

"I don't agree with _you_." She paused for a minute, like she was debating saying something, and then "That's why I liked it back when you were all crazy for me and Maya."

"Wait… _what_?" How does that make sense with anything she just told you?

"It's just…Sure, I wanted nothing more than for just someone to pick me first over Maya, just _once._ That whole Buggie Awards mess? Maya only got involved for competition, I just wanted you to pick _me_." You don't say anything, so she tacks on, "I wanted _someone_ to pick me. But…as long as you didn't pick, as long as you promised to love us both forever, you weren't picking Maya over me. You were the only one who considered us equal. I could do equal as long as I wasn't _second_."

What can you possibly say to that?

"The only reason I didn't break the triangle with Lucas is because I didn't think I'd be able to handle him picking Maya over me. It was just _too much_ , so I dragged it out. Selfish, there's another one for mom's list…" She grabs your hand in the dark. "He only ever wants me when I'm smiling and cheering him on and blind to everything else. That's all _anyone_ ever wants from me. Do you remember when the year book came out? And I was having actual problems, but you were the _only_ person who noticed they weren't just shallow and about Lucas? And everyone told me to stop being dramatic without asking what I was upset about? And then the class told my father " _We like Riley, but we don't care who plays her"_ as if I wasn't sitting _right there_?"

She's crying for real now. "People only want me around to feel better about themselves."

"That's not why _I_ want you around." You don't know how to get her to change her mind set on this.

"Yeah, it kinda is Farkly. All you ever talk about is how I'm your 'sun'. I bet you're dying to leave right now."

You feel really hot and desperate and you're trying not to yell at her. "I'm _dying_ to figure out a way to get you to see how amazing you are, Riley. I'm _dying_ to understand how it got this far without me noticing. I'm _dying_ to hurt everyone that ever made you think badly about yourself, myself included!" You're grabbing her hand hard and trying to pull her closer towards you in the closet, but it's hard to see if she's moving. "Riley, I don't call you the sun because of how you act or how you think you need to act or whatever. You make me happy just by _existing_. You could be asleep on the couch next to me and I'd feel calm, okay? You don't have to do anything to make me love you, and _you don't have to do something to make anyone love you._ If you do, then you _don't need them_ , okay? All you need to be is _Riley,_ all you need to do is feel and act however you want without worrying what other people want from you! Riley, you're the most amazing person I know. You are _not_ second best to Maya, you're an entirely different person who's on an _entirely different level_. I _need_ you to know that."

She's crying, she's crying hard and you know she doesn't know how to believe you.

"Wait here for just a second, okay?" and you're out of the closet and rummaging around in her nightstand. You can still hear her crying, but you find what you were looking for and head back. You kneel in front of the opened closet door so you can see her face as you slip the flower crown you found on her head.

When she sees what you're doing, you get a laugh through her tears. And she whispers "I love you, Farkle." And you whisper "And I love _you._ "

And you hope she knows how much you really mean it.

 **You're tutoring Maya in the library, and she asks you point blank.**

"Are you in love with Riley?"

And you say "Yes", because there's no use bullshitting with her.

She shrugs and says "Called it."

You both go back to studying and it doesn't get brought up again.

 **Smackle breaks up with you.**

Which is weird, as you always thought you'd be the one to end it. You were the one in love with someone else, you were the one with the horde of problems and teen angst, you were the one who…Well, you don't know. You just always thought this would have to be your job.

"I didn't like how you were staring at Riley at the Halloween party a few months ago."

 _Yeah, and I don't like watching you flirt with everyone in front of me and act like I'm such a chore to date._

"We almost never spend time alone together."

 _Because you said,' I don't think we should spend a lot of alone time together'._

"I think we should stop engaging in romantic interaction."

 _No shit._

You don't say any of that though. You just smile sadly and play the part of the heartbroken but understanding ex-boyfriend.

You wish you felt something about this, you wish you cared more. Smackle deserves for you to care about this.

You think about Riley, and the hold she has on you.

You don't care this.

 **It's summer vacation, and you're in a cramped little condo with about 15 other people.**

You've been coming on vacation with Riley's family (and Maya) for a few years now. Mr. Feeny had a condo right near the ocean in Wildwood, and as of about…5? 6? Years ago, the Matthews family had finally warn him down enough to where he doesn't try to hide his affection for them anymore. The condo is usually pretty cramped, but with the addition this year of Katy and Jack joining in, everyone is practically on top of each other. But you all make due.

Maya and Katy went out for a walk on the beach, and Auggie had just run off to demand that Eric take him on every ride possible tonight, leaving you alone in the 'kids room' with Riley. She was reading the summer required reading book and tracing her toe in a little pile of sand on the floor that someone had tracked in. You could hear the waves hitting the beach and you could hear people on the boardwalk.

Riley seems lost in her own world. You're not even sure if she's still reading.

You feel like you're probably being weird, just staring at her, but the way the setting sun is hitting her through the window is making her look like an angel. Otherworldly beautiful. Like a statue of Aphrodite.

How can you possibly be lucky enough to be part of her life?

Riley doesn't look up, but she smiles. "You're such a dork, Farkly."

…Shit, did you say that out loud?

"Yes, yes you did. That last sentence too." She's still not looking away from her book but she's grinning. You can feel yourself blushing. Riley finally looks up at you, and pulls her book up to cover her mouth as she bursts into giggles. That just makes you blush more.

This time, you talk out loud on purpose. "Shit, Riley, you're just gorgeous."

No _she's_ the one blushing, so you're calling a win. She gets up, grabs your hand, and starts dragging you towards the door.

"We're gonna stuff ourselves with Curly's Fries, go on as many rides as we can before one of us pukes, and then I'm gonna kick your ass at a few water games. This is non-negotiable."

You hold her hand for the rest of the night.

 **Everyone forgot Riley's sixteenth birthday.**

It's December 8th, you wake up, roll over, and immediately send Riley a happy birthday text. No one had mentioned a party for her, but you know her Auggie is at a scholastic decathlon in Jersey so you figured the party would happen next week.

You aren't expecting a text back reading "Thank you for remembering. You're the only one."

You can feel your blood getting cold. Please, shit, please there's no way everyone forgot her birthday. She's too insecure for something like this. She does too much for everyone. She doesn't deserve this. Please be a joke.

But you shoot texts at everyone, asking where they are, hoping a surprise party was planned and they just forgot to tell you. But Maya's upstate, the guys are in Texas, Smackle's visiting family, Josh is in California, her parents and Auggie are in Jersey, Eric and Jack are in D.C. for the weekend, her grandparents are on a Honeymoon cruise.

 _Everyone forgot Riley's sixteenth birthday_.

Shit.

You tell her to dress up nicely because you're coming over, and then you're throwing on a suit and tie and trying to book dinner reservations and get tickets to Mamma Mia and Hamilton all at the same time. It doesn't take you too long. Sometimes being unreasonably rich can have its perks.

You briefly wonder if Riley even wants to see you right now- You had sorta been going back and forth for a while. She told you she was in love with you (via flowers and Maya, but still) and you'd confessed you returned the feelings and asked her to the Homecoming dance. You went, and easily had the best night of your life, but then you had chickened out of kissing her and now the two of you were acting like the whole thing never happened because you aren't sure how to explain it.

You don't know why you didn't kiss her, really. You were scared mostly, you think, that it was all going to come to an end. That you'd wake up, or the hallucination would shatter, or something. Something _had_ to go wrong. Riley Matthews being in love with you didn't make any _sense_.

But you can't let anything get awkward today. You have to give her the best Sweet Sixteen you possibly can.

You get the driver to break a few laws and rush up the stairs of her apartment. You're dying to see her, to know she's okay.

You really think you might hate everyone in her life right now. This is inexcusable to you.

She opens the door and your jaw _actually_ dropped and you felt your heart leap.

 _Holy shit_.

She's in a shiny red dress that's very low cut, but still classy. It goes to her knees and is an open back halter, so she's got black tights and a black jacket over it, but she looks amazing. Her hair is curly and loose, and the little makeup she bothered with looks perfect. She has a flower crown of fake poppies on her head, of course, and it matches great. She looks so beautiful, you're pretty sure you don't deserve to be standing anywhere near her.

She sees you eying the dress, and yes okay, you're _totally_ checking her out, but it's also wildly not a style you'd expect her to wear. She rolls her eyes at you. "It was my mom's sweet sixteen party dress."

" _Oh_."

"She and my dad slow danced in a boxing ring on TV." She says it almost, but not quite, bitterly. She's definitely upset. You can't blame her.

" _That_ sounds like a story for another day, doesn't it?" You pull the necklace you had bought her as the original present out of your pocket and hand it to her. "I want to focus on _your_ birthday right now, okay?"

Her eyes are wide when she sees all the diamonds. "Farkle, I can't- this looks like it costs more than my apartment, I-"

But you aren't hearing it. Your family has more money than anyone would ever know what to do with- and usually you hate that. But Riley deserves the world and today, you're going to try your damnedest to give her that. So what if you have to tap into some family resources?

And you guys have an amazing day. Hopefully amazing enough that she forgets everyone letting her down, but at least it was definitely enough to help erase the awkward tension you've had since October. Between seeing shows, going to museums and planetariums, shopping, eating at reservation-only restaurants, and hitting up every tourist trap possible, you and Riley become yourselves again. You, personally, don't remember the last time you felt so genuinely happy for such a long amount of time-6th or 7th grade, at least! And Riley seems like she let any and all tension, worry, and hurtful thought melt off her as the day wears on. Her smile hasn't been this big since before graduation. You're so happy to see it again.

Apart from Riley squirming every time you spend money on her, this feels like a normal day hanging out with Riley. Laughing, goofing off, taking pictures. You don't have to worry about breaking anything, about a moment falling apart. You don't feel the pressure you felt at Homecoming.

Just you and Riley Matthews, arm in arm, taking on the world.

Every perfect day has to come to an end, however. It's almost midnight. You walk her home, and the two of you linger out the bakery for a bit, just mindlessly chatting. There are Christmas lights all over, lighting up her face and shining multicolor in her eyes and hair. Riley's smiling at you. There's a chill in the air that makes you want to pull her close and never let go.

 _You should kiss her. You should kiss her. You should kiss her. You should kiss her. You should-_

"Happy birthday, Riley." You whisper, and start to walk away, silently cursing yourself for being so stupid. You can't think like that, there's no way Riley would ever want-

"JUST _KISS ME_ , YOU DUMBASS!"

You were barely 3 steps away when she yelled that. Immediately, it felt like something shattered, and you barely know what you're doing but you spin around and grab her maybe a little roughly and crash into her with a kiss. She lets out a little gasp but kisses you back and _oh wow oh wow oh wow oh wow_.

You've got her feet off the ground because of how you're holding her. You can feel snow falling on you and you start spinning her and _you're kissing Riley Matthews_ and you never knew life could feel this way.

You two eventually have to break apart for air, but her forehead is on yours and it's snowing but everything feels so warm. She says "You could go home, or we could head up to my apartment that's empty for the next 3 days?" and you laugh, you're just laughing because this can't be real, you must be losing your mind, but if this is what insanity is like, if the hallucination is this great, you're going to run with it. You just found out what it was like to kiss Riley Matthews.

You rush upstairs and watch cheesy movies and drink hot chocolate and quickly find out what it's like to _make out_ with Riley Matthews.

You think she probably had a pretty good birthday.

 **Your first Valentine's Day together as a couple was a complete disaster.**

You are never going to speak of it again.

You hate concussions.

But boy do you love the embarrassed little smile Riley gets on her face whenever someone brings it up.

 **It's your sixteenth birthday, and Riley and Company threw you a surprise party.**

No, scratch that, they threw you a surprise _rave_.

You think you recognize half the student body here, and there's strobe lights and everyone's wearing clothes that read 'FARKLE NATION' in glow in the dark paint. You have absolutely no idea how this was pulled off, but you know Riley probably kept herself awake for a month trying to get every detail perfect. You have, inarguably, the best girlfriend in the world.

 _Girlfriend_. It's been three months and you still aren't used to that, your heart flutters a bit every time you say it. A part of you thinks that heart flutter will never really go away.

 _Riley Matthews is my girlfriend,_ you think, _and I'm the luckiest guy in the world._

She dances with you non-stop for the first few hours of the party. She refuses to let go of your hand, and you don't even recognize half the songs playing but you're having the time of your life. Nothing could ruin this night- not your mothers mild rampage before you came here, and not a meteor destroying the earth. You're surrounded by your friends (and a couple hundred classmates) and you have the most amazing girl in the world in your arms. This night can't go wrong, and you're pretty sure it can't get better either, you're sure you've reached a plane of existence where nothing else could surpass it.

It _does_ get better.

There was a room set up playing a bunch of your favorite 'nerd movies', as Maya had phrased it. Getting tired from dancing for a few hours, you and Riley snuck in there and sat in the last row of seats. The others barely noticed you. She had her legs thrown over your lap just like always.

 _Paranormal Activity_ was playing. You weren't watching the movie, you were watching how the blue light from the screen hit Riley perfectly and made her look like an angel.

Riley tells you how much she loves you, and it still sound surreal to hear that from her. You tell her you love her, too, and suddenly she's kissing you, but it feels different than the other times you've made out. Something is fiercer, more intense, and immediate about this. Before you realize what you're doing, Riley and you are both up and moving, still kissing, and stumbling out of the movie room. You find a room with a bed, she locks the door behind you.

Riley's on the bed, propped up on her shoulders, telling you to hurry up and giggling when you trip trying to get to her.

You aren't sure when you loose your clothes. You aren't sure when Riley's giggles turn to pants. She kisses a spot on your neck and suddenly you can only see in gold.

You…looked into this topic quite a lot before. It never even crossed your mind you'd find yourself like this with Riley Matthews, but you had wanted to know what to expect. You thought you had compiled a nice check list of things you'd experience.

You were _so_ not prepared like you thought.

One thing that really, weirdly, catches you off guard is the smell of her. You've smelled Riley before, sure, but somehow everything is sharper right now, and other than touch the only sensation you can focus on is smell. It's like Riley has become the air around you- You smell her perfume that she always wears too much of, the really cheap cherry blossom kind you get at a drug store. Sugar Cookie body lotion, Strawberry shampoo, Chocolate and Watermelon on her breath, and the scent of her sweat that's been building up since the dance party started. It's all _overwhelming_ , but not in a bad way. None of the smells should work together but it _does_ and it's all just so _Riley and intoxicating_ and you need more of it.

She moans your name and you can only see in blue.

The two of you go as far as a person possibly can. And sure, there was some fumbling, but it was still amazing. It was still Riley Matthews who was smiling at you after it had ended. You can still see galaxies in her eyes, just like you could way back in first grade.

Life is good.

 **Riley makes you dance with her a lot.**

You're not exactly as good as you'd like to think you are, but she trips a lot too.

The two of you start dancing every time you get bored or there's a lull in the conversation. Riley always absentmindedly grabs your hands and plays with your fingers. You tend to grab a strand of her hair and twirl it without really paying attention. You play footsie in class and the library. You'' be studying in the bakery and she'll stretch her legs out over yours. She wears your shirts and jackets more and more. You both automatically lean into each other whenever you're close enough. Riley loves it when you rub her arms. You love wrapping your arms around her waist. You shoot each other small smiles all the time. She butterfly kisses your shoulder sometimes.

Maya claims the two of you are "two cute for the human eye" and mimics puking a lot around when she's around. But you know she's really happy for you.

 **Your mother is gone.**

It finally got to be too much. Sixteen years, but you finally broke. You told your father everything, _everything_ , and he filed for divorce and full custody with a single thought. You haven't seen or heard from your mother since the trial.

You know it should make you happy, but you just feel…complicated.

It's weird, not having to watch your every step. It's weird not having to hide things. It's weird that the news kept following the case so now _everyone knows_.

You know Riley is upset you never told her, but she won't say it. You know she's thinking of every time she asked you if you were okay, if you needed help, and you lied and told her you were fine.

She doesn't mention it though. She knows she can't understand it properly, and part of you is waiting for her to go Full Riley and demand that you make her understand it, part of you wants her to do that. But you don't say anything and neither does she.

She just leans her head on your shoulder and rubs your hand at the trial.

You're back to not understanding your own feelings.

Everything is…complicated.

 **You break up.**

It's junior year and it's a very tearful affair. Riley still loves you, but she doesn't know _where_ you are anymore. She says you won't talk to her, you won't let her in.

You still love Riley, but you feel so lost. How can you let her in and talk about what you're feeling when you don't understand what it is?

Neither of you want to break up. But you do.

You break up.

With Riley Matthews, who you've loved for so long that now you just don't know how to stop.

You still hang out when the group does- Maya and Zay seem concerned for both of you. Smackle doesn't seem to care that much. Lucas doesn't seem to notice, you aren't sure he even realized you and Riley had been dating in the first place.

Riley starts dating a new boy every 3 days. They're all jocks. You feel your blood boil every time you see one of them lay a single finger on her.

You decide a better coping mechanism is going to too many parties. Maya's worried about you but tags along. It becomes your new thing.

You still love Riley. You still love her so much. Sometimes she looks over at you in the hallway while whoever the new guy is tries to kiss her. You can't read her expression. Neither of you speak to each other directly at lunch or group hang outs.

You're such an idiot.

How did you let Riley get away from you?

You knew the bubble was going to break eventually.

Maya tells you she heard about a party at someone or another's house this weekend, you tell her you'll go and you'll get so drunk you won't recognize yourself. She doesn't laugh.

 **You wake up in bed with Maya.**

Shit.

You woke up, and looked over at her. The two of you groaned in perfect unison.

Maya says "We can never tell Riley about this" and starts pulling her clothes on.

You don't really agree with that, but you're trying to figure out if she's okay. You _barely_ remember last night. She refuses to let you freak out though, waving off your questions with "Listen, Farks, this is awkward and all but I'm _thrilled_ I ended up with you rather than some stranger that probably has an STD. Like, we're literally never going to speak of this again, but I had every intention of having sex with _someone_ last night, so at least drunk me made some good choices."

"Maya, oh my God."

"But seriously, this was an accident, and Riley can never find out."

"Maya, we _have_ to tell her! She'll kill us if she finds out any other way."

"She's _not_ going to find out at all."

"It's _Riley_ we're talking about here."

And now she's groaning. "Farkle, she's still in love with you."

"I'm still in love with her, too."

She rolls her eyes. "Then I don't see why you two can't pull your shit together!" she's running her hands through her hair out of stress. In typical Maya fashion, it just makes her look even better. "Farkle, this'll kill her."

And you whisper, "It'll kill her if she hears it from someone other than us."

"Promise me you'll keep quiet, Farkle."

" _No_."

And she groans but stops arguing with you, which is kind of a miracle. You figure she's probably too hungover for this. You know your head is throbbing more than usual, but some of that probably has to do with the situation at hand.

You go over to Riley's that afternoon and tell her everything. You don't just stop with what you and Maya did last night- once you're staring in her eyes and talking a dam breaks. You tell her everything about your home life growing up, you tell her about all the times in the past when you wanted to say something but never did. Riley cries a lot. You cry a lot. It's a mess. Before you leave she says thank you and tells you she loves you.

It takes you 2 and a half more weeks to get back together.

 **Junior Prom.**

It was a Very Big Deal, apparently. You weren't sure what made it more special than, like, literally any other dance, but Riley's eyes light up every time it's mentioned, and you're trying to be a great boyfriend to make up for the month and a half you were broken up.

You plan a huge promposal- You go the whole nine yards, her favorite flowers, a banner, her favorite song, a cheesy speech, Maya dressed as Tinkerbell, delivering the thing in front of the whole school while Zay films it and later posts it online. Riley cried and kissed you. A lot.

You get a light pink tie to match her dress- _Not pink_ , she kept insisting, _Cosmopolitan_.

It's pink.

You pick out the right flowers and book a freaking horse and carriage, and you know you're going to have fun but you still don't see what the huge deal is with prom.

That is until Riley comes out in her dress.

The pink chiffon looks absolutely perfect against her, makes her look as warm as she makes you feel. Her hair is wavy and down but out of her face. She has a headband with fake diamonds and tiny flowers on it. Of course.

It takes you a full minute to find your voice. She asks you what you're thinking. All you can say is 'Boylalalou', which gets a laugh out of everyone in the room.

Oh, right, you and Riley _aren't_ the only two people in the world.

Wow.

You can't stop staring at her.

The Matthews and the Hunters and your dad all take about a million pictures each- Josh and Auggie were there and they had to actually cause a distraction so the six of you could escape to the carriage.

You slow danced with Riley all night, you laughed a lot, and you got lost in her eyes. Fairy lights were everywhere, the music was pretty good. You didn't care much about your surroundings other than Riley.

The six of you went to an after party at Missy Bradford's house. You all drank, not enough to get drunk but enough to be on the good side of tipsy. Everything in the world felt amazing, the future was now and yours to conquer, and Riley Matthews was holding your hand and you are gonna marry this girl someday, that's all you could think as she gushed about everything she came in contact with that night. She was so full of love, you still don't understand why she would ever direct it at you.

You fast pace dance at the after party for a wild, the entire group, and for a few hours you feel like your life is part of a cliché coming of age story. That thought makes you happy, though, really happy. That meant you'd have these people forever and no matter what happened, everything would always work out.

At some point, maybe around 2 am, Riley started getting a little bored, so you decided to walk her back home. She keeps gushing about the dance and you keep spinning her under your arm and this is the happiest you've felt in a while.

Suddnely, Riley let's out a huge gasp, and points across the street to a huge, gated in school playground. "FARKLE! IT'S OUR OLD SCHOOL!" and she's laughing and you're laughing and you say "Yeah, I can see that" and Riley declares that you absolutely _have_ to go on the swings, and before you have a chance to ask her how she plans to get there she's dashing across the street and starts climbing up the fence, dress and heels and all.

Okay, now you feel a little less invincible. You're at the bottom of the fence, hissing up as she climbs, "Riley! Breaking and entering is illegal!"

"I'm not breaking anything!"

"Entering, though!"

"Come oooon, Sparkly Farkly, it'll be fiiiine!" and she's on the other side now, so you really have no choice than to climb over too.

By the time you get there, she's already sitting on one of the swings and smiling around at the aging playground. You walk over and she points to the little spot by the slide and says "That's where we met."

"I remember, yeah." You're smiling, and you sit down on the swing next to her, only you have your back to the school. This is what you used to do in second grade. Maya was in a different class that year and had a different recess as a result, so you and Riley would dominate the swings, and one of you would always sit opposite so you could make eye contact while talking.

Riley grins at you and grabs your hand, the two of you are swinging lightly, never letting go.

"I can't believe we're growing up."

"I know, it's weird."

And the two of you stay there for a while, for a long time, just talking quietly about life- about all that's happened and all that's going to happen. You reminisce the good old days, you wonder what the future will hold for you, and everything there is to talk about in between. You never stop holding hands.

Suddenly, Riley grins at you, and says "Do you remember when we would race down to the gardens and I would kick your ass every time?"

"You did _not_ -"but she's already shoved off the swing and taken off running. You take off after her, and you catch up because your legs have gotten so long, and you could've won but then she _trips_ , and you trip over her, and the two of you tumble down the hill together until you land in the flower bed, laughing hysterically.

You can't stop laughing. Riley has her head on your chest.

"Did you'd ever think we'd end up here?" she whispers at you.

"What?"

"When we first met, what did you think?"

"I thought your singing was annoying because it was distracting me from my book" she smacks your chest, which makes you laugh again. "After you introduced yourself, I never wanted the moment to end. So, I mean, I wasn't really picturing us as we are now. I just wanted us to stay space-loving six year olds. What did you think?"

"I thought you were weird but really cute and I liked how you tried to seem cool and talk like an adult. It was funny. But no, I wasn't exactly a visionary back then." You both laugh at that, and then Riley's kissing you, and you're kissing back and you've already memorized her and her body by this point so it's not hard to tell how far she wants to go right now. You loved making love with Riley, for obvious reasons, but also because it felt like it threw the two of you into your own private universe. A bubble of just the two of you, and the nothing else has to exist.

This is how you've come to understand it. Riley is a Supernova and you are a Worm Hole. Riley has galaxies in her eyes and light under her skin, and you were complicated and messy. They weren't supposed to collide, and no one knew what would happen if they did. Except for you and Riley. She collided with you years ago and you've been doing nothing but that since. Instead of massive destruction, it caused something beautiful.

Damnit, you loved Riley Matthews.

A guard ended up catching the two of you, bringing you back down to earth, but he could tell you were embarrassed and from prom so he let you off with a warning. You and Riley both got home fine.

Everything was amazing.

 **Riley's crying.**

School is out for summer, and in a few short months you'll officially be a senior. Riley had called you over, said it was urgent, insisted you take the window. You climbed in to see a crying Riley, and you can her your dad and the Matthews arguing in the living room. What's going on?

"Please don't hate me?" Riley asks you, and you wanna cry just seeing her like this.

"Riley, come on, I could never. What's wrong?"

She's got your hand now, and she's holding in both her hands and placing it over her stomach.

"Do you remember prom?" She looks like she's about to start crying again.

"Yeah, obviously, it was only like 3 months ago?"

"I'm 3 months late."

"What do you mean?" Because you really can't figure out where she's going with this. Maybe you don't want to.

She sighs, and leans in, tears back in her eyes, and says "Farkle, I'm _pregnant_."

 **It's hard.**

You promise Riley you'll do anything you can to help, that you won't abandon her, that you'll support her no matter what.

But you are _so_ fucking scared.

You can tell Riley is too, but neither of you mention it. It's the one thing you don't talk about. You talk about money and jobs, space, college, the future, names, baby supplies, pregnancy symptoms, everything you need to talk about in order to get ready for a baby. But you both refuse to mention how scared you are.

Riley wants to keep it. You're glad about that, actually, because you don't know how you'd handle knowing you had a kid who didn't know you, or a kid who was never born. You want to be there for this baby, this little mix of you and Riley, it's just _so scary_ to think about it.

You deal with your anxieties by reading every parenting book under the sun. Riley deals with it by googling every teen pregnancy statistic so she knows what she needs to avoid doing.

It almost feels like a dream, like it's not real, until she's five months along and you find out it's a little girl.

A little Riley. You smile for a week straight after hearing that news.

All three parents are pissed beyond belief but ready to help. You're only about a year younger than they were when you and Riley both popped into the world. They know how the teenage pregnancy game goes. That makes it a little easier to talk.

But you're still scared.

"We need to name her," Riley declared out of the blue one day when you were trying to figure out how the hell to put a crib together. Riley had taken up a habit of watching you do what she deemed relatively simple things, so when you get confused she can laugh and say you're 'too rich for this'.

"I thought you wanted to wait until she was born?"

"I changed my mind." She changed her mind about 50 times a day, but you didn't say that out loud. Mr. Matthews had pulled you aside early on in the pregnancy to tell you that Topanga had been insane and close to murderous during both her pregnancies, and that instead of risking it we all need to keep Riley as happy and comfortable as possible.

So, Riley wants to name the baby now. Okay, that's great, actually. Topanga had been bugging you both about it.

You and Riley decide the best way to do it is to each come up with a name, say it at the same time, decide which one is better, and keep going until you have the Superior Name. You've got one in your head, and you know she'd love the intent of it but you aren't sure if she'd love the name itself.

'Okay, on the count of three! One, two, three-"

You both say _Penelope_.

And after you say it you just smile and shake your heads. _Of course_ this kid is getting named after Maya, who were you kidding thinking it was going to be hard to pick a name.

 **Riley's pregnancy symptoms keep you constantly on your toes.**

Her cravings are terrifying, her mood swings give you whiplash.

You're still so scared of the tiny little girl growing in her stomach.

But you also love her so much. It's a strange feeling.

Riley always complains that the baby likes you better than her, because she only starts and stops kicking for you. Riley rolls her eyes every time. "She's _inside_ of _me,_ how are _you_ already the favorite?!" but she always smiles when she says it. She says Penny is going to have you wrapped around her little finger.

 _Penny._

You are 17 years old, you're about to be a senior, you're applying to colleges, and you're about to have a little daughter named Penny.

You and Riley told your parents about the name, but swore them to secrecy. Riley wanted to surprise Maya. Your dad had rolled his eyes at the nickname- "Naming my granddaughter after loose change?"- but everyone loved the choice.

You loved your little loose change baby. You hoped she had Riley's smile.

But you were still scared of her. You didn't understand why- you can understand being afraid of the situation itself, but an innocent little baby? One day you finally tell Riley about it, and she says, "Farkle, you aren't scared of the baby. You're scared _for_ the baby."

"What do you mean by that?"

"You're scared that my job at the bakery and your job for Uncle Eric isn't gonna give us enough money to properly provide for her. You're scared that with senior year and college, we won't pay enough attention to her. You're scared that she'll grow up feeling like a mistake because she knows her parents were too young. And," She looks in your eyes, "I think you might be scared that you'll hurt her like your mother."

Your breath hitches. Riley leans forward and grabs your face. "We can get through all of this, okay? I'm scared too, but Farkle, it's not impossible. I believe in us." And you ask her why and she smiles and says "Because I still believe and I still have hope. I still have hope for the littlest planet with the biggest heart. I think I can spare some for Penelope Pluto Minkus and her loser parents." And that makes you smile.

You're not sure the fear will ever fully go away, but you have Riley and your loose change baby in your own little universe, and that's what matters.

 **Penny.**

 _Penny. Penny. Penny. Penny. Penny_.

Who comes screaming into the world on New Year's Eve. Riley squeezed your hand so hard while pushing that she broke your hand. You can't bring yourself to care that much. You can't stop staring at the baby's face.

You know this is the official 'everything is different' moment. You and Riley had gotten accepted into all the same colleges, and your father was insisting on paying the tuition. It was just a matter of picking which one and finding an apartment and daycare there. And you'd have to find a way to finish senior year while getting even less sleep than you already do. And you're going to have to work out a better agreement with Riley, because right now it's she gets the baby during the week and you get her on the weekends, but one look at that little face and you know you want to be around her as much as possible.

The family comes in and out- the grandparents cooing, Auggie bouncing too much in excitement to hold the baby, Josh showed up with a stuffed bunny bigger than him for his new goddaughter. Grandma Matthews started singing to her, Zay and Lucas refused to hold her because they were worried about dropping her. Maya cried for 3 days straight and couldn't believe you and Riley named a _person_ after her, that's what she kept repeating.

It was the day you were supposed to be taking little Penny home, but you're delaying Riley from getting dressed which is annoying her.

You're holding the baby and you don't look up when you tell Riley "I'm waiting for Maya, I sent her to get us something."

Riley's about to argue but Maya rushes in that moment, holding a bag triumphantly. "It was SO hard to find this in newborn size, so you better love me."

"No, Maya, I still can't stand you. That's why I named a baby after you, dumbass."

She rolls her eyes and kisses you on the cheek, drops a kiss on Penny's head, and one for Riley before placing the bag on the bed and heading back out, promising to come visit tomorrow to see how everything is adjusting.

"Open it," you say, since Riley is just staring at the bag. She does and you can see the tears coming to her eyes.

This is what you understand as of right now: Riley is a Supernova with galaxies in her eyes and light in her skin. You were a Worm Hole that made everything complicated and messy but maybe you were kinda important sometimes. You collide in your own little universe, and it's beautiful, and now there's a beautiful little girl who came a little earlier than planned but it's going to be okay. Because she's you and Riley combined, and she's perfect. She has your eyes with Riley's galaxies in them. You can already tell how great she's going to grow to be. Riley is light itself, but Penny is going to be Ultraviolet.

You're holding your daughter and you're looking at Riley, who's holding the tiny little flower crown you sent Maya out to find.

Riley's crying and you're smiling and she gently slips it on the baby who opens her big blue eyes at the new contact. Riley says "I love you" and you know she's talking to both you and Penny, so you say "I love you too" and direct it at both of them as well. Penny yawns and Riley smiles at you and you smile back.

And you remember being six years old and reading alone on the playground when a girl who was like the sun made dropped into your life and made you a flower crown.

 _ **You're so happy.**_


End file.
